Sunday, May 1, 2005

Once I Was

    Yesterday my  18 year old son came home very early from his date. There was a lump in his throat as he explained the argument that he got into with her. They have been dating for 3 years, and all who know them, are envious of their warmly interwoven relationship.

    Seeing his despair, his inabilty to focus on the mending that would now be needed....and my advice , sticking to him like   water to  a rock....brought me back to when I was his age....and had found that special someone who opened every door in my heart.                                                                                                For that year we were together, she was my world, and I was hers. We filled each others hearts with laughter, joy and love. Each day our feeling for each other ..intensified.  When apart, I would carry her in my mind.....the silken threads that tickled my heart....were forming the threads of a cocoon.  Once woven, my heart awoke to this "darkness". Without  warning, I rebelled, and broke free....leaving devastation for both.

    Three months after this break-up, I was walking down a street and stopped to muse at the display of a pet shop. In the front window was a birdcage with two of most magnificant birds I had ever seen. Their small feathers were laced with a such an intricate design, which served as proof, that only God could have painted such beauty onto their wings! At first the birds seemed content to be nestled safely together. Then, one of the birds began flying into the walls of cage. The bird was sent tumbling down to the bottom of the cage, where it reset itself and began its attack on the bars of the cage. It was trying to be free!  Suddenly I made the parrallel realization, the spirit of the bird is like the spirit of man.....it needs freedom. It cannot be sustained within small bounds. Food, safety and love are not enough to keep the spirit satisfied. I then knew what my actions and feelings were all about when I made my move to brak away from my intense relationship.

     I smiled and turned away from the window of the pet shop.......only to find that "she" (my ex-girlfriend) was standing right behind me! Spooky??   I learned at a young age.....Through coincidence, God chooses to remain anonymous.

    We exchanged smiles, words and yes...how much pain we both were going through. She did not understand what happened, and was pleading for me to find a way to come back. With the lesson I had just learned, I knew that would be very difficult...and how could I possibly allow myself to love her like that again.

We saw each other once more......and then....never again....... She went on to marry......and I left to wonder as this song so eloquently expresses......

once I was a soldier/and I fought on foreign sands for you

once I was a hunter/ and brought home fresh food for you

once I was your lover/ and searched behind your eyes for you

and soon they'll be another/to tell you I was just a lie

and sometimes I wonderfor awhile

will you ever remember me?

And though you have forgotten all of our rubbish dreams

I find myself searching through the ashes of our ruin

all the days that we smiled, and the hours that ran wild

the sad and subtle words and the magic of your eyes

and sometimes I wonder, for awile

will you ever remeber me?      -- Tim Buckley (Once I Was)

1 comment:

my78novata said...

Well speaking as a woman we tend to be more on the emotional side and we really dont forget past relationships. we maynot love them anymore but dont forget. So I would say there are times like you just had for her that you come back to her mind. But with our kids it really is so hard!!!!!!!!!! Its hard to watch them. Harder than when we went thru it ourselves.