The Ice Cream Cone

To those of you wonderful j-landers who expressed a concern about my whereabouts, I thank you ..... and even if you gave just a passing thought , I thank you for having that thought as well! 

I have been faced with many serious issues over the past months.....I had to give this journal ....writing, answering your wonderful comments and reading other jounals a rest.

A few months ago my Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It has since spread very fast and he is now very close to passing on. I have been placed at the threshold of many emotions I never could conceive. Today he has an appointment with his Dr.  and I know, the prognosis of this visit will not be good (being admitted to Hospice is at hand).

And so, with this moment and this need  to reflect, I wish to share.....                               The Ice Cream Cone<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

    One of my favorite photos in my album is that of my 4 year old son holding an ice cream cone that I had just placed in his small hand. The photo captures his purely innocent expression of gratitude and joy. Viewing this photo takes me back in time, when I was four.

 

   The large ball balanced upon a cone and being placed in my tiny hand for my own personal consumption, was redemption! Nothing could come close to that creamy confection in making my world seem so wonderful. Not my two fondest possessions, my cartoon character underwear and my Superman T-shirt could bring me to that level of satisfaction!

 

   More importantly, it was where the ice cream was coming from, my Dad. In that small instant of my life, he was the ultimate Hero! Without him speaking, I could hear his pleasure in handing me the ice cream cone. I may have been too young to understand, but not too young to feel it as a moment of shared joy. As the sweetness seemed to melt within me, I was transformed from a world of lectures and warnings. I was removed from a platform of expectations. The ice cream cone in my hand was like a magic wand that just let me be me. 

 

   The years passed, and the distance between my Father and I widened. The expectations we had of each other missed the mark. Our geographies changed, restricting when and how often we could meet. The business of life  mutually disabled us to manifest a father/son relationship.

 

    A lifetime of years has passed since then, and while there is long list of wonderful memories we did share, the ones that standout is when he came to my rescue. Transporting me from an ordinary day, by taking a moment and making it special. If there was ever a time when he seemed so tall, so knowledgeable, generous and understanding, it was the time he handed me that ice cream cone.

 

    I stare at that photo of my son about to take his first lick, and he, not knowing that mound of ice cream would be frozen in time with all the love, joy and peace that was in the handing of it to that small hand!

 

Wishing Peace to all......make a moment for someone, it is the only thing that is guarenteed to last an eternity!

Marc :)

The Cow

 

A very wise man told me this tale which has such a rich lesson that one may use for guidance from the dark hallways we so often find ourselves walking through.

 

    Long ago, there lived a couple on the outskirts of the city. They lived in an old broken down house and their sole possession was a cow. This cow gave them milk to both drink and to make cheese. The extra milk from the cow would be traded for other needs they had.

    One day, a well known "man of cloth" and his disciples were passing by this house. The great spiritual leader stopped by the house, walked up to the door and knocked. When the poor man opened the door he could not believe who was standing before him! The Spiritual leader explained that he was en route to a Holy tribunal in a another city and would it be possible if he and his disciples could be fed a meal and be  put up for the night.

    The poor man still overwhelmed by the presence of this wise and holy leader responded with "yes, of course, absolutely, with pleasure I shall feed you and provide you with a bed to sleep in for the night!" He opened the door and allowed the entourage to enter. The poor mans wife hearing this, pulled him to the side, "have you lost your mind?" she whispered with puzzlement. "What do you think we have to offer them aside from some old cheese and milk?" He smiled at her and said, we will give them a fine dinner and they will shower us with their blessings. Now I must go, I have some work to do." The old man excused himself and said he would soon return.

    After some time elapsed the old man appeared at the door of house, carrying in his arms two large sacks, filled with the finest meats, wines and breads that the city had to offer! "Here!" he boasted to his wife, we have some cooking to do, our guests will be treated to one the finest meals ever!" Completely puzzled she asked, "how in the world did you pay for all of this?"..He smiled, "I sold the cow."

    The meal was glorious, yes , one would say it was fit for a king. The spiritual leader had a huge appetite. he ate, and ate, and drank the wine. He ate some more and drank the last drop of wine. All the food was gone! The Spiritual Leader got up from his chair and exclaimed that it was the best meal he has had in a long time. He expressed his appreciation and then said that he decided he did not want to lose any time, so he would continue to travel on through the night. He packed up with his disciples and left.

    The old man dared not show any sign of disappointment, as they were hoping to receive some Spiritual lessons from their guests. The old house was now quiet. The wife looked at the empty plates and bottles. "Everything is gone" she cried. "What are we going to eat tomorrow?" she asked her husband. Realizing he made a terrible mistake, he became very angry and upset with himself.."what was I thinking? I have sold our cow, we have nothing and it's all my fault!" He began to cry and ran outside into the forest and continued with his shameful crying. The old man stumbled through  the woods and his weeping was interrupted by the sounds of another cry. It was a very well dressed man, who was laying on the ground sobbing. "Sir, are you alright?" said the old man. Continuing he asked," tell me where you live, I will go there and get help for you."  The well dressed man on the ground was gasping for air, and with shallow breaths, he explained that he did not want his family to know where he was. He told the old man that he was extremely wealthy, but his family only loved him for his wealth. "If I didn't have a penny, they wouldn't care if I was dead or alive". He vowed that as retribution for their false behavior, they would not see one penny from his estate."But you" he continued gasping, "a complete stranger and you are willing to help me for nothing in return". He pulled the old man close to him and whispered in his ear the location of a buried fortune..."take it" he moaned.."you deserve more than they", and with that the wealthy man died.

    The old man buried the wealthy man and said a prayer. Then he went on to retrieve the buried treasure.

 

    Two years passed and the Spiritual Leader and his disciples were passing down that same road of where the old broken down house was. The House was no longer there. In its place was huge mansion, beautifully landscaped. As the Leader and disciples watched, the doors of the mansion opened and out walked the poor old man with his wife. They were dressed like royalty and they were stepping into beautiful horse drawn carriage!

 

    The disciples were puzzled..."is this the same couple we visited two years ago, who had not a penny to their name?" they asked the Leader. "Yes" smiled the wise one. "How did this happen?" they asked. The leader continuing with his smile replied "I made them sell the cow!"

__________________________________________________________________

 

......You can never know who you are, till you let go of who you were.

 

...............The best of who you are, is what you are always becoming.......

 

Marc :)

Dreams

       While  walking the dogs, they stopped at their favorite tree to irrigate it. I  happened to look up and notice a kite dangling from a low branch. The tail hung down just low enough for me to be able to reach it and release it from its capativity. Instaneously, I was reminded of the many Sunday afternoons that I would fly a kite with my sons. Watching the kite  soar and float so high against  a clear blue sky was always a joyous sight to behold. We would  for an afternoon, and as the winds would let up, the kite would become a victim of branch.  The kite would always be torn beyond repair.Its not that the tree acted in malice, it just happened to be there.

 

    I held this kite observing its unreversible damage, and suddenly I was overcome with a whole other perspective.......my mind wandered back to a time and place that is rarely frequented.......

 

   I was in my Senior year in High School, it was a Friday and my friends had arranged for a beach blanket night party near Coney Island Beach. Six guys packed in car, headed off to the beach with a giutar, blankets, a pack of cigarettes, lighter fluid to set a beach fire and a bunch of dreams about meeting some new babe!  One of the guys in our group had asked his cousin from a distant neighborhood, to bring her girfriends to the beach, the thought of meeting new faces was exciting!

 

    We found our spot at the beach, and set up camp. Once the fire was going strong, out came the guitar, the cigarettes and then the songs...."Puff The Magic Dragon", "Blowing In The Wind", "Catch the Wind" , "California Dreamin'.".....As the guys began "pairing off with the girls" I decided it was time to take a solo walk along the shorline and commune with Mother Nature. The slow rolling of waves, the scent of the night mixed with the cool ocean was the perfect partner for me. On my way back to blanket, I passed by a lifeguard chair. A soft voice called down "Hi There!" I returned the greeting and asked how the view was from up there. "Come on up and see for yourself" she politely invited me. I climbed up, sat down and introduced myself. There was no moon that night, I sat up there in  a shroud od darkness. "You sing pretty good" she said. "Oh, so you're with the group?" I asked.. "yes, I came with them, not sure why, the way they carry on.....I guess I just didn't want to be alone tonight".  From there the conversation opened up, we talked about the pressures of being High School seniors, she told me that she went through High School not having a boyfriend and the effect it had on her.We spoke of the  hurts that are inflicted upon us without others even knowing. "Marc, you seem like a really nice guy, I feel like I know you....I hope you don't mind.....could you put your arm around me?"  "SURE!" I said as bells whistles sirens and alarms went off in my head. She slid over and tucked herself beneath my arm and we continued talking. A few minutes into our conversation a girls voice called out from below "Hey Ivy, c'mon down we're all going over to Nathans for a bite to eat...the guys will meet us there, so you two lovebirds can continue there!"...

 

    She climbed down from the stand, I still could not make out her features in the darkened night. "How will I know how to find her?" I thought. I quickly climbed down and headed over to the car where my friends were waiting for me. They all looked at me with smirks...they broke out in song.."going to the chapel and we're gonna get married".......I defended my honor with..."hey guys, I was 5 minutes away from having one hand up her blouse....so puff that in  your magic dragon".....The drive to Nathans was 5 minutes, but all the while I wondered....what does she look like...who is this sweet girl that is so inviting?

 

    We parked the car, hopped out and strutted by the eatery looking for the girls. "Marc!"..I heard a voice call out..I stopped, I recognized the voice, it was hers, I turned around and saw many faces..."Marc, hi its me, Ivy"....She was short and very, very pudgy, a rounded freckled face, and red curly hair. Nothing close to what I imagined, and physically speaking, no chemistry. My friends pulled behind..."oh, its the bride!" they chimed. I smiled at her....said "Hi....don't pay any attention to them, combined have an IQ of my age....Now, how about a Nathans Hot dog!"  We found a table sat down and continued to talk. We talked about the Viet nam war, she asked what I would do if I was drafted. We talked about horoscopes, first pets, and favorite TV shows. In the time it took to eat a hot dog, we got to know each other so well. "Time to go" her friend announced. She looked at me and mentioned that this one one of the best nights she has had and then asked if she would see me again.I knew she lived very far from me, and seeing her again was unlikely.

 I asked for her phone number, she wrote it on a mustard and coke stained napkin. "Call me please" she said....and then got up and left with her friends. I placed the napkin in my pocket.

 

   I never did call her again....but held onto that napkin.....I knew that napkin represented a hope, a dream......and I just could not trash it.

 

   Our dreams are born out darkness,  like kites, they float high above sky, soaring above our fears and beyond the shadows cast upon us.......but, dreams are like kites, they eventually fall.......only to find their way, getting caught by a tree, torn and becoming lifeless........holding only the joy that sailed in them!

First Kiss

.......Prior to that kiss, there was a dark history....(this was an previous entry of mine Dec.2004).....

....skating back in time I can recall that tender age of 13. I first noticed girls batting their eylids at me, calling my name cutely, and teased me for attention. I was naive in noticing that it was "nature calling". When the time came for my first kiss, I was too shy and clumbsy to live up to her expectations!.......Word quickly spread, I was a terrible kisser!  At 13, there are no second chances!!  My reputation preceded my boyhood charm and good looks! The girls on the block had turned stone cold on me! I was devastated...and for the next few years, I avoided being placed in a close up puckering position. (aww)

    I watched T.V. shows and movies carefully.....I studied how James Bond would lock lips with his leading ladies....Gregory Peck, Cary Grant, Kirk Douglas...I watched them all, and observed. Through this careful observation I discovered that kissing was not just about lips being locked together, but it was the  intimate formation two souls, using the lips as a conduit for their passion. The passion of two souls!

    Many years passed, and in one night, the phobia was laid to rest, as I fell into the eyes of another and she whispered the words into my ear..."oh Marc, where did you ever learn to kiss like that?"

If heaven was ever to touch Earth, this was the night!

Do You Want To Know A Secret

     On any given night there are two hearts that are destined for each other. However, they are well contained and concealed from each others reach. Only the secret words, "I love You", can release them.

      These simple and magical words will release them! They  will burst from their area of confinement, race into each other, grabbing hold and dance in the rain of joy, tapping in the puddles of their passion, splashing droplets of magic in every direction! 

 

(Continuing.."Harbor of the Heart" entry ..2/23/06)

 

    Spring came that year, we shared that Spanish 101 class for five weeks. While my heart was on my sleeve, hers was well concealed. I had no idea how she felt about me, if anything at all.

    A party celebrating Spring was made, and we attended. At midnight, people began filing out, leaving just her, me, and another couple. "Lets go for a bite" suggested my friend.."I feel like something in Chinatown". We quickly agreed and were in  his car heading for downtown N.Y.C.

    We made it to the downtown area, the car radio playing the loveable sing along oldies. We drove along the riverside, the imposing skyscrapers, softly lit, were like giant ornaments for the night sky....the water, softly reflecting the light of the moon.

   We were seated in the back, I at one side, and her staring out the car window on the other side.

   The  song by the Beatles, Do You Want To Know A Secret? came on, over the radio

"You'll never know how much I really love you

you'll never know how much I really care.

Listen (do-wa-do) do you want to know a secret?

do you promise not to tell?

...........................................I sat on my side of the car, a huge grin broke out on my face...."gee, if she only knew" my heart spun its awakening call......

my lips went in sync with the song....

"Ive known a secret for a week or two,

nobody knows just we too, listen

(do-wa-do)

I turned to face her.....and behold..she was facing me with a sweet smile and was singing...our eyes locked.....in unison

"do you want to know a secret

do you promise not to tell

I'm in love with you"......

.........it was followed with the softest yet most powerful kiss that I had ever come to known in my short life.....

 

Now, many years later I cannot even recall what occured the remainder of that evening.....I just know a part of my heart was left behind beneath a moonlight night, and in the tune of a Beatle song that liberated it!

 

Sweet liberations to the hearts that silently wait....your turn will come!  ....

Faith Interrupted

 

   When death, serious illness, and news of crumbling relationships resonate in my ears, my complete and unyielding faith in the warm hand of the Almighty becomes interrupted.  Once again, I turn and look for a clue...could there even be one? Why are our hearts allowed to fall to the ground and shatter as if they were made of fine porcelain. Can the Creator of worlds and time be so occupied and  removed from us?   And so I muse......

 

    As  my sons were growing up, they looked up to me for all sorts of answers, especially to their homework assignments!  When my youngest was 12, he saw me as a natural wealth of quick information.

    One night he came to me and said in a half whine..."Dad, I need help with my math homework...I really don't understand the problems."  ..... I always enjoyed being engaged and challenged...after all, eighth grade math was my calling!  "Hmmm...O.K.....here we go....if x+4 =8, we'll move the x to this side, subtract that side...."  and to his relief, I unraveled this dark mystery for him . He was never amazed at my swift calculations, after all, I was Dad, I was supposed to know!

    Imagine my amazement when he came home from school the next day and waved the homework assignment in my face..."Look Dad, an "F"....all of YOUR answers were wrong! I can't believe it Dad...an "F"....!!

    My mouth fell to the open position and stayed frozen that way. Aside from the disbelief that I had incorrectly answered every question, was the fact that I let my son down..way down!  After rereading the questions that were asked, I understood that my approach to his assignment was all wrong, but that did not matter now. I asked him how much this assignment meant to the grade for the period. "Well, I was running a B-, but with this F, I'll be lucky to get a "C" for a grade.Now what do you suggest?"

   I had never let my son down like I had at that moment. There was no fixing this, I couldn't explain to the teacher that Dad was doing his sons homework and failed to properly follow instructions. I just looked at my son and explained that he would now need to work extrahard,. He would need to be  better prepared for tests and do some extra credit work.  "You mean I have to do all that extra hard work because you couldn't do my homework right?"

 

     A parent is supposed to have the answers, it is the  problem solver, the parent is supposed to make the hurt go away...it is  not supposed to be the source of it.

 

    The world spins on an axis which we have no control over. The sun rises and sets each day keeping things on this planet in perfect running order. We trust this amazing feat of mechanical awesomeness is in good hands. So when our lives are pulled away from us like a rug being pulled from beneath out feet, we are plunged into a deeper depth of darkness, as if our parent has abandoned us....as if our parent gave us all the wrong answers on a homework assignment!

 

  It now becomes our job, to work harder. we must now pull ourselves together.

 

It is now time to believe, hope and trust...more than ever before.

 

To all my friends here in J-land who have recently lost loved ones, to those who have loved ones battling a serious or life threatening illness, to those struggling in family matters, to all of those who face face despair as if it were a permanent fixture in their day.....The Parent does not have all the answers, and to believe so only allows for a faith interrupted.

 

My prayers of a return and restoration to a peaceful soul~~~Marc

The Guest Towel

Regarding my last entry, "License To Love", I have received a few comments and e-mails provoking me to realize that while we all have a license to love, we are often guilty of malpractice!  So...I offer up to you the other side ..........     

                                          THE GUEST TOWEL

 

    You have just spent four wonderful days in a very plush hotel. Everything about this hotel resonates with the ultimate in comfort. The silk sheets, the thick carpeting, the scent of fresh linen and lilac permeating the air, right down to the very plush guest towels, this hotel is PLUSH!

    It is time to start packing, you have just washed your face the creamy kiwi cucumber soap and now begin to pat your skin with the plush guest towel. "This place is heaven" you sigh to yourself. "I just wish I could take a piece of this with me". You stare at the  plush guest towel in your hands, "this will do!" and you toss it into your suitcase which is lying open on the bed. Your conscience rebels! "Hey! That's not right, thats stealing!...Now go hang that towel back up on the rack!".... You pause, you want that guest towel, you feel it belongs to you. You counter your conscience "Hey, with what I am paying for each day here....they should give me a towel!....Besides..In a place this big, who will ever notice one little guest towel is missing?"  You have just steamrolled your sense of morals with your own handpicked logic.......you zip up the suitcase, and this matter  is closed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------          Our hearts are like that plush hotel. They offer the greatest comfort known to man....Love. How foolish we are, to come into this Hotel and take what we feel belongs to us and then excuse ourselves with our own sense of logic!

  How unfortunate for the Hotel owner, who is faced with replacing those guest towels over and over again and leaving himself to wonder.."have I charged too high a price for someone to come here?"

 

Looking for that soft and fluffy pillow..........Marc :)