Do You Want To Know A Secret

     On any given night there are two hearts that are destined for each other. However, they are well contained and concealed from each others reach. Only the secret words, "I love You", can release them.

      These simple and magical words will release them! They  will burst from their area of confinement, race into each other, grabbing hold and dance in the rain of joy, tapping in the puddles of their passion, splashing droplets of magic in every direction! 

 

(Continuing.."Harbor of the Heart" entry ..2/23/06)

 

    Spring came that year, we shared that Spanish 101 class for five weeks. While my heart was on my sleeve, hers was well concealed. I had no idea how she felt about me, if anything at all.

    A party celebrating Spring was made, and we attended. At midnight, people began filing out, leaving just her, me, and another couple. "Lets go for a bite" suggested my friend.."I feel like something in Chinatown". We quickly agreed and were in  his car heading for downtown N.Y.C.

    We made it to the downtown area, the car radio playing the loveable sing along oldies. We drove along the riverside, the imposing skyscrapers, softly lit, were like giant ornaments for the night sky....the water, softly reflecting the light of the moon.

   We were seated in the back, I at one side, and her staring out the car window on the other side.

   The  song by the Beatles, Do You Want To Know A Secret? came on, over the radio

"You'll never know how much I really love you

you'll never know how much I really care.

Listen (do-wa-do) do you want to know a secret?

do you promise not to tell?

...........................................I sat on my side of the car, a huge grin broke out on my face...."gee, if she only knew" my heart spun its awakening call......

my lips went in sync with the song....

"Ive known a secret for a week or two,

nobody knows just we too, listen

(do-wa-do)

I turned to face her.....and behold..she was facing me with a sweet smile and was singing...our eyes locked.....in unison

"do you want to know a secret

do you promise not to tell

I'm in love with you"......

.........it was followed with the softest yet most powerful kiss that I had ever come to known in my short life.....

 

Now, many years later I cannot even recall what occured the remainder of that evening.....I just know a part of my heart was left behind beneath a moonlight night, and in the tune of a Beatle song that liberated it!

 

Sweet liberations to the hearts that silently wait....your turn will come!  ....

Faith Interrupted

 

   When death, serious illness, and news of crumbling relationships resonate in my ears, my complete and unyielding faith in the warm hand of the Almighty becomes interrupted.  Once again, I turn and look for a clue...could there even be one? Why are our hearts allowed to fall to the ground and shatter as if they were made of fine porcelain. Can the Creator of worlds and time be so occupied and  removed from us?   And so I muse......

 

    As  my sons were growing up, they looked up to me for all sorts of answers, especially to their homework assignments!  When my youngest was 12, he saw me as a natural wealth of quick information.

    One night he came to me and said in a half whine..."Dad, I need help with my math homework...I really don't understand the problems."  ..... I always enjoyed being engaged and challenged...after all, eighth grade math was my calling!  "Hmmm...O.K.....here we go....if x+4 =8, we'll move the x to this side, subtract that side...."  and to his relief, I unraveled this dark mystery for him . He was never amazed at my swift calculations, after all, I was Dad, I was supposed to know!

    Imagine my amazement when he came home from school the next day and waved the homework assignment in my face..."Look Dad, an "F"....all of YOUR answers were wrong! I can't believe it Dad...an "F"....!!

    My mouth fell to the open position and stayed frozen that way. Aside from the disbelief that I had incorrectly answered every question, was the fact that I let my son down..way down!  After rereading the questions that were asked, I understood that my approach to his assignment was all wrong, but that did not matter now. I asked him how much this assignment meant to the grade for the period. "Well, I was running a B-, but with this F, I'll be lucky to get a "C" for a grade.Now what do you suggest?"

   I had never let my son down like I had at that moment. There was no fixing this, I couldn't explain to the teacher that Dad was doing his sons homework and failed to properly follow instructions. I just looked at my son and explained that he would now need to work extrahard,. He would need to be  better prepared for tests and do some extra credit work.  "You mean I have to do all that extra hard work because you couldn't do my homework right?"

 

     A parent is supposed to have the answers, it is the  problem solver, the parent is supposed to make the hurt go away...it is  not supposed to be the source of it.

 

    The world spins on an axis which we have no control over. The sun rises and sets each day keeping things on this planet in perfect running order. We trust this amazing feat of mechanical awesomeness is in good hands. So when our lives are pulled away from us like a rug being pulled from beneath out feet, we are plunged into a deeper depth of darkness, as if our parent has abandoned us....as if our parent gave us all the wrong answers on a homework assignment!

 

  It now becomes our job, to work harder. we must now pull ourselves together.

 

It is now time to believe, hope and trust...more than ever before.

 

To all my friends here in J-land who have recently lost loved ones, to those who have loved ones battling a serious or life threatening illness, to those struggling in family matters, to all of those who face face despair as if it were a permanent fixture in their day.....The Parent does not have all the answers, and to believe so only allows for a faith interrupted.

 

My prayers of a return and restoration to a peaceful soul~~~Marc

The Guest Towel

Regarding my last entry, "License To Love", I have received a few comments and e-mails provoking me to realize that while we all have a license to love, we are often guilty of malpractice!  So...I offer up to you the other side ..........     

                                          THE GUEST TOWEL

 

    You have just spent four wonderful days in a very plush hotel. Everything about this hotel resonates with the ultimate in comfort. The silk sheets, the thick carpeting, the scent of fresh linen and lilac permeating the air, right down to the very plush guest towels, this hotel is PLUSH!

    It is time to start packing, you have just washed your face the creamy kiwi cucumber soap and now begin to pat your skin with the plush guest towel. "This place is heaven" you sigh to yourself. "I just wish I could take a piece of this with me". You stare at the  plush guest towel in your hands, "this will do!" and you toss it into your suitcase which is lying open on the bed. Your conscience rebels! "Hey! That's not right, thats stealing!...Now go hang that towel back up on the rack!".... You pause, you want that guest towel, you feel it belongs to you. You counter your conscience "Hey, with what I am paying for each day here....they should give me a towel!....Besides..In a place this big, who will ever notice one little guest towel is missing?"  You have just steamrolled your sense of morals with your own handpicked logic.......you zip up the suitcase, and this matter  is closed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------          Our hearts are like that plush hotel. They offer the greatest comfort known to man....Love. How foolish we are, to come into this Hotel and take what we feel belongs to us and then excuse ourselves with our own sense of logic!

  How unfortunate for the Hotel owner, who is faced with replacing those guest towels over and over again and leaving himself to wonder.."have I charged too high a price for someone to come here?"

 

Looking for that soft and fluffy pillow..........Marc :)

 

   

License To Love

          Imagine you are in need of a heart operation! In walks the surgeon, it's Harrison Ford! You gasp, "Harrison Ford?    You're not a heart surgeon.   What are you doing here?"..Smiling with his charming grin,    "Oh, but I did play a Dr. in the movie,  The Fugitive,  I think I will do just fine!"

          Your roof has a leak, you call a roofer and Tim Allen shows up (Home Improvement)....While you are delighted to meet him...he's not the one you'll hire to fix your roof!

 

.......License!.....Yes, when it comes to matters that affects our health and the roof over our heads...we want to see a license. It shows us that we are in the hands of an "authority"....someone that really knows how to do the job right!

 

   What about Love?  We meet strangers, and as they pass our sets of criteria we allow ourselves to open our hearts to them. No license necessary, "here, you have won me over with the right look, the right words and the right touch, here's my heart!      It almost sounds too foolish to be true!

 

     Upon closer scrutiny I realized, that when our hearts want something so much, when the needs of the heart  is so strong, it will overlook the details that line the path to the object of its' desire...in this case, Love!  The place, the time, the circumstance are of little importance, just the fact that we  reached that highpoint of emotion..is all we think about. In other words, the license to love and be loved by someone, is overlooked....we don't need credentials!

 

     I asked "why not?"....We want our Heart Dr. to have credentials, we want our roofer and plumber to have them...why not a stranger we allow in our heart?

 

      I thought of myself, who walks with an open heart and allows entrance to whoever holds a ticket of kindness. Then it occurred to me, there is a license to love. We all have one,it was given to us by our Creator (God if you wish)..Our hearts have been preset to respond to kindness and caring. They have been treated with a sensitivity towards truth, trust and sincerity. As long as we sense these long proven elements, a license to love hangs proudly in our hearts! The other  details..are small.

 

   Congratulations...it looks like all you lovely J-Landers are Drs!

 

Mistress Of Betrayal

       The year was 1992. Everyone was sporting a pager (beeper) on their wasitline or  had one attached to their pocketbook. I had resisted this accouterment which let one know that they had to stop whatever it was they were doing and head for a phone. Finally, I could no longer hold onto a simpler world, and I purchased one. I had barely remembered my new number and which button to press, when my wife presented me with her wish for her upcoming birthday, a cell phone!

     Back then, cell phones were reserved for professionals on the move. Most of the models were the size of bricks and the monthly plans were like second mortgages. She told me that Motorola had come out with a new smaller version..a "flip phone". It still did not convince me why a stay at home mom who had a pager, now needed a cell phone. My resistance to her wishes were met with a similar response that a child makes when being told he cannot have a toy he asked for. In my retreat, a wave of suspicion came creeping in! "Why is she so insistant on having a device that will allow her to make calls on the go?". The "Columbo" part of my brain began working overtime. It held any insignificant data it could find and incriminatd her in the court of my mind. "She must be flirting with someone!" I concluded. Yes, I did not forget the smiles and winks she flashed at other coaches when we were at the little league games. Suspicion had now formed a lynching party.

       Her birthday approached, and I caved in, taking her to Cicuit City to purchase this cell phone. Back then, there was only one choice, there were no sleek Nokias, Ericsons, or Color screen Samsungs....just one Motorola model and just one plan.  Eighty bucks a month for 30 minutes of talk time! If you spoke for 10 seconds, that was your minute. Once you went over 30 minutes, you were charged.  Her happiness at holding the phone at the store was something unequalled. Again alarms went off in my mind. I half grinned at the salesman, and agreed it was a  sale. She kissed me on the cheek and then wandered off to muse at the other electronics as I woefully signed a 3 year contract. I smiled at the saleperson, "shouldn't we have a man of the cloth here, this is not a contract, it's more like a vow!"

      The salesman chuckled and then began to make another pitch, "would you like to purchase insurance for this phone?"  I gave him a cold "No". "Would you like roadside assistance plan?". "No"...."Would you like an extra minute plan?"..No"...."Would you like a payment protection plan in case you get sick and can't pay for the phone?"...."No"..."would you like detailed billing?"..... My tongue went deep into my cheek..."detailed billing?, please explain" I said.  "O.k., detailed billing will give you a list of all the outgoing phone calls that have been made on this phone. The list will be a part of your monthly statement and costs just 5 bucks a month".   My mouth fell open, a silent "halleluhah" rolled off my lips. My suspicions as to why she has to have this device  could be confirmed!  "Put it on, I'll take it, yes...I think that is a wonderful option to have!"

I signed the contract, folded it in my pocket and took the shopping bag over to my wife who was admiring the TVs...."here you are" I said with with the widest of grins.."Happy Birthday". We both exited the store with big wide  grins.

 

      A month had passed and the day came when the first statement arrived. I made no mention of it and put the bill  away for a private review. Night decended and she soon fell asleep. I went into another room to open this document which would, as I presumed, confirm my suspicions. My eyes ran down the lines, my brain assimilating the numbers called .....I quickly noticed a pattern of the same numbers. I mutterred the number repeatedly under my stuttering breath. Yes, now I recall! That was the number of my friend!  Blood raced through my head.."I can't believe it, I can't believe it!" my mind reeled. The "Columbo" part of my brain was summoned...."let's see...all of these calls ...lasted .....one minute....so, this is obviously his pager number"...."and...lets see what happens after he is paged....well now, look at that, an incoming call being returned within minutes of being paged....my oh my, he is faithful as a puppy!"

My mind was now  cooked in boiling blood! "I can't believe my plan worked so fast...how stupid could she be!!"  .... "Now, where do I go from here?". Images of the two of them chatting on the phone, schemeing on  a place to meet played in my mind like a lage cinema movie!...I tried hard to calm myself, but to no avail. I tried reaching deep into my intellect, begging for it to gain control of my raging heart. "I must  think responsibly,  remember, there are kids involved...mine and his. And...I must be absoutely certain this is who I think it is" I told myself.

    It was late, I could not sleep, part of me wanted to go into the bedroom and throw ice water on her! I paced the living room floor, even the family dog became nervous.  I knew I needed to have some small piece of resolution before I could close my eyes. Then I recalled, a sheet that was being passed around the office...beeper codes. Callers would punch in certain numbers that would mean a message, for example,   "43" on a beeper meant "I love you"... I pulled the paper out of my briefcase....yes, there it was ..."143"  which meant "F*ck You"..... I picked up the phone and proceeded to dial the number that was on the bill..."heheh" I chuckled.."when he wakes up in the morning, he will see he has gained one new enemy this day!" At the promt, I hit the keys, it felt so therapeutic. I quietly crawled into bed, I marched in a parade of defeat and jubliation to sleep.

       Morning came, I showered and dressed,  made the boys breakfeast and packed their lunches, I was cold and indifferent, acting like  a vegetarian in a butcher shop. My mind too occupied, scheming  its next plan to catch these culprits. I poured my coffee to go, and went back to the bedroom to get my wallet, keys and pager. "Gee" she said to me, "you haven't said a word this morning, are you o.k.?"....I didn't answer, just slipped my wallet in my back pocket, my keys in my pocket and  slipped my pager on my belt...which had a message waiting for me...143!

 

    The "somewhat familar" number was...yes...my own pager #!

 

When the mind entertains suspicion and doubt, it will often find that mind becomes the mistress of betrayal!

 

Sleeping with both eyes closed.....Marc :)

In The Harbor of the Heart

 

    There are many minutes that fill a lifetime, while each one is equal in measurement, we each have minutes that carry the weight of an eternity!

   It was a February many years ago. I was in college and had just returned to school from "winter break". A new semester, and a new set of classes to attend. "Spanish History 101, how did I get this class?" I mused. Reluctlantly, I headed down the hallways and consoled myself with the fact that this would be a class to catch a nap in.I entered the room found a seat and scanned the room for any familar faces. It was a class of complete strangers. I looked up at the chalkboard, where the professors name was written, and the words "Spanish History 101" and beneath that "Spanish History 102".  "They must be  kidding" I laughed to myself..."101 will certainly be enough!"

    In that very instant, my world moved.....a young lady had walked into the classroom, I had not seen her before, every cell in my body jumped, she saw the empty seat next to me,and sat down. Our eyes made contact for a second, it seemed like an eternity. I did not need an explanation nor did I need to consult a handbook for what I was feeling. Suddenly, "Spanish History 101" was going to be my favorite class!  I made a polite attempt at starting a conversation, but she seemed in no mood.  An hour passed, and the bell rang signaling the end of class. The professor chimed his last words as the students were rising out of their seats, "this class meets on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays....see you on Wednesday". For me, it was music to my ears! I spoke beneath my breath, "I wish it was Monday through Friday"..."are you nuts?" she said...."you want this class 5 days a week?".....She heard me!  ...Quickly my tongue went into my cheek..."why yes, I loved taking Spanish in high School, and one day, I plan on visiting Spain....this class should be a breeze for me..so, if you ever need help, feel free to ask me". I can't remeber what she said, I was melting too fast in her eyes...she knew I was staring at her. "I'm sorry" I said apologetically, "forgive me for staring, I believe I have seen you before." Her face had  that "disbelieving look" on it. "No really, I know I have seen your face  before....yes! I saw your face on a wanted poster at the Post office!"  "Oh really" she said with sarcasm, "do I look likea bank robber to you?"  "Noo...but I do believe it said on the poster that you were on the Wanted List for stealing  so many hearts!".  She was not impressed with my line of flattery and coldly said "godbye, see you Wednesday".

Fate moves not only in mysterious ways, but in marvelous ones!

   It was the start of a relationship that sounded all the alarms in the hall of romance. Every cell was woken to a new and wonderous world. My ears began hearing every word of every love song. My eyes learned the striking similarity of  a moonbeam and the softness of her hair. My tastebuds learned the uncomaparble sweetness of her skin. My heart....my heart was no longer just mine. 

...and now many Februarys later, while I can no longer remember what her lips were like on mine, my heart recalls that one minute, the minute that fate was twisted and the doors to a paradise were opened.

   The mind sets sail to many moments ...and they are lost in a sea of time passed, but the heart, the heart is a harbor for the treasures left behind.

.......Marc :)

 

 

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN

 Upon returning from a trip to the supermarket, I spied a penny lying on the ground. Despite my hands being occupied, I managed to retrieve the coin from the ground and smiled as I put it in my pocket, recalling  many years ago the lesson and the origon of where this penny came from.

 

PENNIES FROM HEAVEN

 

    “Alright” I said to my five year old son, “for being such a big help to Dad, you may select one candy from the display (although for his remarkable patience he deserved more!). As he faced the cascade of boxes of candy on display, I began to load the groceries on the conveyer belt. As I reached into my pocket and withdrew some bills, a few pennies fell to the floor. Two pennies, too embarrassing for a grown man to be scrambling around for! As I pulled my eyes away from the still dancing pennies, I noticed one of my bills had slipped out of my hands and also had fallen to the floor. As I bent down to retrieve the dollar, I scooped up the two pennies that I was willing to just leave behind for someone with a little less pride to pick up.

   

    “Twenty dollars, ninety seven cents” smiled the cashier. I handed her twenty one dollars, and she handed me the three pennies back. As I was tossing the change into my pocket, I could hear the clanging of money on the floor. I had missed my pocket, and the three pennies went rolling across the floor! Quick as a flash, my five year old son was on top of them. “Here Daddy, you dropped your money!” he said with a big satisfied grin.

    It was then I recognized the huge difference between man and boy. How my pride intercepted my effort to pick up a few pennies from the floor. How my son, basking in his innocence, felt none the less slighter by picking up the pennies.  A strange sense ran down my spine, was my ego too large? I knew there was a reason for this observation, but was not sure what.

    Once home, I took out the three pennies that my son enthusiastically picked up from the floor and placed them in a jar. I promised myself, that I would never be too proud to stop and pick up a penny from the ground. As a reminder, I would place the coins  that I found in that jar.

 

    Years passed, I found pennies, nickels and dimes everywhere!

There they were, in parking lots, on sidewalks, beneath the seats at stadiums and theaters! Some were unknowingly dropped by their owner, but many were just left behind, not worth the effort of climbing over an ego to retrieve. The contents of the jar swelled. 

 

    Then one day, many years since those first three pennies, I read an article in a local newspaper. A family with a critically ill five year old son was holding a fundraising event at a local park. They needed money for a lifesaving operation. Without a thought, I emptied out the jar, and began to roll up the pennies, nickels and dimes. As I rolled, I recalled that moment when my son retrieved the first three pennies. I took all the rolled money and placed it a bag. 

 

    On the day of the fundraising event, I went to the park and stood at a long table where home baked goods were being sold to raise money. “Sir, how about a cookie for a dollar?” asked the lady behind the table. I recognized her from the newspaper article; it was the mother of the sick boy. I handed her my bag of rolled coins. “How about twenty seven dollars and thirteen cents” for one of those cookies I smiled. “Wow” she exclaimed, barely able to lift the canvas bag from  my hand. “Goodness gracious” she laughed, “pennies! Loads of them, where on earth did you get all of these?” she exclaimed. I began to tell her the story of how, one day long ago, I was a too embarrassed to pick up some pennies off the floor, but my son, who picked them with a certain pride, had taught me a lesson. She smiled and thanked me and said,” Now I know where these came from, they are pennies from heaven”.

 

and so I learned...if you allow your ego to grow too large, it will block your sight of the small details....and the goodness that you might be able to render to others!

 

Peace to all    Marc :)